Personal reflections on wanting to write publicly
I have always wanted to write. For as long as I can remember I’ve had this dream but I never had the confidence or courage to take it any further than just being a dream. I would bracket my hunger to write away in my box of wildest fantasies that could never be recognised. Not that I have many wild fantasies, but writing is definitely at the top of that box. Then I saw a post on twitter where the poster advised to just write! And I just found this advice so overwhelmingly inspiring. So here I am, just writing!
If you were to look on my website, (I’m a counsellor) you may arrive at my blog page where I’ve made three attempts to blog. I’m not proud of them, but I’m equally not ashamed of them either. They took a lot of courage just as writing here right now is taking courage. I choose not to hide those blogs anymore (as I once did) because in hitting the hide button I am effectively hiding myself and I no longer want to do this. Hitting the publish button for this piece will be another matter but I will do it and obviously, as you are reading this now, I have hit that button.
After years of battling with myself now just seems to be the time for me to come out of hiding (behind myself) and start doing the thing that has always been my passion. I’ve come to realise that I don’t have to be writing for an audience or to gets likes. I only need to be writing for me. It doesn’t matter who does or doesn’t like what I write and I have lots of ideas for what to write about, but what’s important to me is getting my story out there. If anyone likes what I share then that’s a bonus.
Over the years I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on why I’m driven by the need to write and have come to realise that for me writing is the connection to having a voice. I often read blogs and texts and find myself in awe of the writer, admiring their courage wishing I could be as creative. I often ask myself, ‘what words do you have that could be of any value to others?’ Sometimes, I much prefer being the listener rather than the listened too. Maybe this is why I trained as a counsellor. It’s the one place I can freely be the listener without having to share much of myself. Now, here I am at a point where I think it’s time to start having my voice heard. Even it’s only me that hears it. Maybe it’s time I started listening to myself.
I often wonder what the fear of writing could be for me. There are many fears such as, I’m not great with grammar, sometimes it’s difficult to say what you mean and put in writing, but the most prominent fears that stand out are of being judged and criticised. How painful those two things be if they aren’t delivered with an openness to understanding the other. Don’t get me wrong, I am open to good old feedback if delivered in the cliched ‘constructive’ manner. And of course judgement will be involved, we are only human and it’s natural to judge but it’s what we do with those judgements that matter. They can be cruel or they can be kind.
So, as a person who always wishes to do no harm to another I always think about the judgements I make and consider how useful they are to me and the other and whether I ought to act on them or not. But, in all that said, I am in fact my own biggest critic. Mostly only seeing the dreaded failure potential which prompts me close the door to possibilities. Ultimately this also closes the door to the potential for growth, to learn from the feedback of others. Sometimes, ironically it’s my own voice that shouts the loudest! So here I am learning to open up one voice while shutting out the other and all within myself. Maybe one day I’ll do that book I’ve always dreamed of too. Again, this is very much related to having my voice, to tell my story.
Have you ever had a feeling that there is a book inside you just itching to get out? I believe there is a book inside us all and this is the fundamental drive that takes me to where I am today. I believe we all have a story to tell, and possibly eventually mine will give me the closure I might be searching for. We all have history, each and every one so very different even if there are some similarities. However, I’m not going to jump in the deep end and attempt to write a book, not yet anyway (maybe not ever). But, in doing what I am right here right now might help me find my feet and give me the courage.
I’m going to learn as I go along. Maybe this is the beginning of the journey, maybe this is what I need to do to get on that path? Who knows where it will lead or whether it will lead anywhere, but I’m willing to give it a go. To feel my fears and find my way in a world that is so very daunting yet indescribably exciting.
